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Copy success - Keep doing previous actions and traditions which worked.


- printed diary of things done.

- Evidence to re-read and prevent being subsumed by Gaslighting, Minimisation (psychology).

- menu plans

beware dwelling on disasters,

but need to name behaviours and emotions to remain assertive:- Minimisation (psychology)


--- Personal relationship skills are techniques which people can use to help in their long-term personal relationships. Personal relationship skills help to maintain intimacy in all its forms, intensify the emotional bonds of loved ones, strengthen relationships, and enrich people's lives with hope. The term "personal relationship skills" is typically used by psychologists, self help books, therapists (e.g., marriage guidance counsellors) and also mental health researchers and practitioners.

The skills listed together in relationship books are: loving well, kindness, care, communication, bonding, reflectiveness, fun, flexibility and parenting.


Relationships
(Outline)
Types
Genetic or adoptive
By marriage
Partner(s)
Intimate and sexual
Activities
Endings
Emotions and feelings
Practices
Abuse

History of personal relationship skills

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Pre-history

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"We are entering a golden age of brain research."

Cuneiform script on clay tablets contained moral advice (3300BC - 2000BC)[2]

Examples of using these relationship skills appear in literary history since writing began.[3] Written moral advice first appeared circa 3300BC-2000BC [2] and a confrontation was documented in hieroglyphics circa 1350BC. [4] {5}

Ancient

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The Greek, Roman and Chinese philosophers had much to say on personal relationship skills, the institution of marriage was a bedrock of their society. For example - Ovid, Marcus Aurelius, Confucius, Socrates, Plato, Cicero. {5}

Present day

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Research journals and a multitude of long-term studies report their new findings frequently. There is still much to learn and discover. For a review of some ongoing studies, see intimate relationships research. For instance, a finding that retaliatory negativity between partners during a conflict is arguably the most robust predictor of poor marital quality. However, that this degradation can be softened (according to a 120 heterosexual couple Chicago sample) by undertaking a 21 minute reappraisal writing task every four months, for one year.[5]


Many authors develop an approach to relationships based on skills which can be learnt. [6] [7] [8] [9] {9}

Skills relevant to children

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Main article: Parenting

Children's skills differ from adults[10] as their personal relationship is with their care giver whereas adult skills maintain the relationship between partners and build a circle of security for their children.

Breaking the cycle of raising insecure children - Research has proved that insecure parents raise insecure children.[11][12][13] However it has also been shown that (with intervention) insecure children are not an inevitable outcome. If a parent is given appropriate training an insecure parent can raise a secure child. [14]

Building these skills is key for children: Resilience, self esteem, self-efficacy, readiness to learn and a positive social identity are all protective assets, influencing a very wide range of health and social outcomes. It is crucial that children enjoy good mental health as this forms the basis of an emotionally and physically healthy adult life. [10]  

Skills relevant to adults

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Love

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Main article: Love
Wikiquote has quotations related to Love.

Loving well is a gift which people can delight in. Loving another person well enriches both - the sum of the two halves adds up to more as a whole. The hope for a joyous future together can allow a partnership to overcome seemingly intractable obstacles which come their way. [15]

Kindness

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Main article: Loving kindness

In surveys, when people are asked what they most desire from their personal relationship, kindness appears as a highly prized trait sought for in a partner.[16]

 

motherly love

Human bonding

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Wikimedia Commons has media related to Hugging.
Main article: Attachment theory
Main article: Human bonding

Physical intimacy plays an important part in long term relationships with displays of affection maintaining bonds and the ties that bind.

Forget about learning how to argue better, analysing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.

— Sue Johnson, in "Hold Me Tight"[17]

"We are designed by evolution to be primarily motivated to attach to other people" ~ David Wallin [18]

 

Thinking about thinking

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Part of a series on
Philosophy
Philosophies
By period
By region
By religion
Branches
Philosophers
Main article: Mentalization

Several terms exist for this thinking skill [19]


"The whole idea of thinking about thinking is that we learn about ourselves through being understood by other people. Babies learn about their feelings by having their feelings understood by someone else." ~ David Wallin[18]

Thinking about thinking is that capacity for reflecting on one's own experience and the experience of others that allows us:

  1. To raise secure children
  2. To free ourselves from repeating our own negative behaviours; to change our own programming.

i.e., To learn from our own and others' mistakes and to learn from others' good examples. [19]

Studies have demonstrated that when individuals engage in therapeutic writing about emotional experiences, significant physical and mental health improvements follow. Changes in basic cognitive processes during writing are likely to result in better health. One study showed that reflective writing with insightful analysis had the best developmental outcomes for the writer themselves. [20]

Open to change

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Main article: Personal development

Being open to change has been shown to be an important skill.[21] Mindfulness can assist the development of this skill. [22] Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) promises to make the eastern mindfulness concepts more accessible to western readers. [23] The ACT approach avoids several self-help traps. ACT does not make wisdom purely instrumental - not just a tool for achieving the perfect relationship or career. ACT does not lead to a path of obsessive self-improvement. [24] [23]

Meeting needs

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The happy couple
Main article: Marriage counseling

Meeting of needs and showing care are assisted by communication.[21] Falling in love is such a wonderful experience because it holds the hope that needs for attention, support and companionship will be satisfied forever.[21] Unfortunately, for many reasons, this may not happen. In order to have a working partnership those in the relationship should feel their needs are being met, most of the time.[25]

Encouragement

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Main article: Active listening

Encouragement, appreciation, praise, security [26]

Negotiation

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Main article: Negotiation

Two approaches are applicable for personal relationships:

(a) Constructive conflict

6 stages: preparation, lead in, confrontation, active listening, negotiation, follow up [27][28]

(b) Compromise

Cheerfulness

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Main article: Positive psychology
Wikiversity has learning resources about Positive psychology

Best practices

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Main article: Relationship basic principles

The best practices for happy relationships include communication and following principles.[31]

Trust is one principle which cuts down on lots of rules between those in the relationship. [32] [31]

Seeking support - one pitfall

Seeking support is generally considered an important way for people to cope with stress. However there is a pitfall in seeking social support from friends about an intimate relationship.

Seeking social support from friends during marital difficulties has generally been found to be associated with negative outcomes [33] It is not recorded in the research whether the couples who ended up in divorce found satisfactory social support or not. The pitfall is that an intimate relationship is very private and a partner who confides in friends breaks the confidentiality boundaries which a couple have a right to expect. This can cause problems for the relationship. It can be interpreted as a lack of respect for the partner's privacy. Seeking professional support from a relationship-focused counsellor should not normally have the same danger.

In other words - "your friends are likely to side with you."

Seeking support - relationship therapy

In seeking support via psychological therapy it has been found that the most important factor is the counsellor who performs the counselling. The actual therapy model or "theory" which the counsellor uses is less important. Amongst dozens of techniques are several therapy theories which have been empirically proven to be successful in helping intimate relationships.[34]

However, who delivers the therapy is more important than which particular model the therapist follows.[35]

Due to this finding there has been a call for a "paradigm shift" in training for therapists and counsellors. Therapists are more successful if they can fit the appropriate advice to the person's worldview. [35]

A mindful, ACT, approach has been shown to give the best results for long term success. Being mindful is better than running to a therapist or turning to drink or drugs when problems arise. [36]


Caffeine may cause or exacerbate anxiety disorders.[37][38] A number of clinical studies have shown a positive association between caffeine and anxiogenic effects and/or panic disorder.[39][40][40] Anxiety sufferers can have high caffeine sensitivity.[41][42][43][44][45]


Criticism

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“Science, when applied to personal relationships, is always just wrong.”

~ E. M. Forster [46]


See also

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See also: Intimate relationships, Psychology, Self-help, Dysfunctional family, Family therapy, Relationship breakup, Interpersonal communication relationship dissolution, Behavior analysis of child development, Personal development, Mental toughness, and Learned industriousness
Have a Happy Relationship
Sexual attraction, Bad boy (archetype), Dating, Human bonding, Interpersonal compatibility, Love (scientific views), Platonic love, Puppy love, Seduction, Beer goggles, Vulnerability and Care Theory of Love, Psychological resilience


References

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  1. ^ Humphrys, John (20-Sep-2012). "News segment on new research being presented at Neuroscience 2012". BBC Today programme. {{cite web}}: Check date values in: |date= (help)CS1 maint: date and year (link)
  2. ^ a b Donoughue, Carol (2007). The Story of Writing. British Museum. p. 106.
  3. ^ Marr, Andrew (2012). Andrew Marr's History of the world. Part I: Macmillan. p. 34. ISBN 978-0230755956. Paanab dispute in Deir el-Medina documented on ostraca. Symbolism in Çatalhöyük.
  4. ^ Donoughue, Carol (2007). The Story of Writing. British Museum. p. 107.
  5. ^ Finkel, Eli J.; Slotter, Erica B. (26 June 2013). "A Brief Intervention to Promote Conflict Reappraisal Preserves Marital Quality Over Time" (PDF). Psychological Science OnlineFirst. 24 (8): 1595–1601. doi:10.1177/0956797612474938. PMID 23804960. S2CID 2254080.
  6. ^ Wilkinson, Tony. Chapter 6. "Basic skills", "The lost art of being happy". p. P55.
  7. ^ Ricard, Matthew. "Happiness, a guide to developing life's most important skill" P237.
  8. ^ Stephen J. Sampson Ph.D.; Cindy Elrod Ph.D. (August 2007). Personal Relationship Skills for beginning, strengthening, and maintaining an intimate personal relationship. HRD Press. p. 4. ISBN 978-1-59996-065-4.{{cite book}}: CS1 maint: multiple names: authors list (link)
  9. ^ Aurelius, Marcus (circa AD170). Meditations. pp. Book I, XI. {{cite book}}: Check date values in: |date= (help)
  10. ^ a b Dr Friedli, Lynne (2009). Mental health, resilience and inequalities (PDF). WHO:World Health Organization. p. 38. Retrieved 11-Apr-2011. {{cite book}}: Check date values in: |accessdate= (help)
  11. ^ Main M, Kaplan N, Cassidy J (1985). "Security in infancy, childhood and adulthood: A move to the level of representation". In Bretherton I, Waters E (ed.). Growing Points of Attachment Theory and Research. Chicago: University of Chicago Press. ISBN 978-0-226-07411-5.{{cite encyclopedia}}: CS1 maint: multiple names: authors list (link)
  12. ^ Fonagy P, Steele M, Steele H (1991). "Maternal representations of attachment predict the organisation of infant mother–attachment at one year of age". Child Development. 62 (5). Blackwell Publishing: 891–905. doi:10.2307/1131141. JSTOR 1131141. PMID 1756665.{{cite journal}}: CS1 maint: multiple names: authors list (link)
  13. ^ Steele H, Steele M, Fonagy P (1996). "Associations among attachment classifications of mothers, fathers, and their infants". Child Development. 67 (2). Blackwell Publishing: 541–55. doi:10.2307/1131831. JSTOR 1131831. PMID 8625727.{{cite journal}}: CS1 maint: multiple names: authors list (link)
  14. ^ Benson, H. (2005). What interventions strengthen family relationships? (PDF). 2-in-2-1.co.uk. p. 4. Retrieved 19-Apr-2011. {{cite book}}: Check date values in: |accessdate= (help)
  15. ^ Grayling, A C (2010). Ideas That Matter. Weidenfeld & Nicolson. p. 315. ISBN 978-0-7538-2618-8.
  16. ^ Mens Health. "Top 5 Character Traits Women Seek In A Man". Rodale Inc. Retrieved 29-May-2011. {{cite web}}: Check date values in: |accessdate= (help)
  17. ^ Johnson, Sue (2011). Hold Me Tight - Your guide to the most successful approach to building loving relationships. Piatkus Books. p. 5. ISBN 978-0749955489.
  18. ^ a b Wallin, David (2009). Implications of attachment theory. mentalhelp.net. Retrieved 22-Apr-2011. {{cite book}}: Check date values in: |accessdate= (help)
  19. ^ a b Wallin, David (2007). Attachment and Psychotherapy. The Guilford Press. p. 2. {{cite book}}: More than one of |pages= and |page= specified (help)
  20. ^ Pennebaker, J. (1997). Writing About Emotional Experiences as a Therapeutic Process (PDF). American Psychological Society, Vol8, No.3. p. 165. Retrieved 11-Jun-2011. {{cite book}}: Check date values in: |accessdate= (help)
  21. ^ a b c Staying Together, by Susan Quilliam. Relate publications. From crisis to deeper commitment. P.154
  22. ^ The Mindful Manifesto, by Dr Jonty Heaversedge, 2010. '. P.234
  23. ^ a b Burkeman, O. (2007). This column will change your life. {{cite book}}: |work= ignored (help) Cite error: The named reference "guardian" was defined multiple times with different content (see the help page).
  24. ^ Wilkinson, Tony. "The lost art of being happy". p. 87.
  25. ^ Stephen J. Sampson Ph.D.; Cindy Elrod Ph.D. (August 2007). Personal Relationship Skills for beginning, strengthening, and maintaining an intimate personal relationship. HRD Press. pp. 193–204. ISBN 978-1-59996-065-4.{{cite book}}: CS1 maint: multiple names: authors list (link)
  26. ^ Atkins, S. (2007). Raising happy children. p. 311.
  27. ^ Conflict In Intimate Relationships, by Dudley D. Cahn, 1992. Showing a hopeful and positive view of the marriage works. P.111, P.79
  28. ^ Constructive Confrontation, by Remer de Mesquita, 1990. 6 step plan for confrontations P.225-232.
  29. ^ Mossallanejed, Phd, E. Survival strategies - Staying cheerful. psychiatryonline.org. p. 1. Retrieved 19-Apr-2011. {{cite book}}: Check date values in: |accessdate= (help)
  30. ^ The Optimistic Child, by Martin Seligman. accurate optimism P.295
  31. ^ a b Eveld Knight, E.M. (2006). Happy families have few rules, lots of ... Ridder Newspapers. Retrieved 24 April 2011.
  32. ^ Schumpeter (13 November 2010). "Sticking together – Advice on managing partnerships". The Economist. {{cite news}}: External link in |last= (help)
  33. ^ Whiffen, V. E., & Gotlib, I. H. (1989). Stress and coping in maritally distressed and nondistressed couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 6, P.327-344.
  34. ^ Four therapy models which have proven successful, by Jay Lebow, 2006. Scoreboard for Couples Therapies.
  35. ^ a b Is Who Delivers the Treatment More Important Than the Treatment Itself? by Adrian J. Blow, Douglas H. Sprenkle, Sean D. Davis. the Role of the Therapist in Common Factors.
  36. ^ Segal, Z.V. (2010). Mindful approach to depression - M-CBT. Archives of General Psychiatry. p. 4. {{cite book}}: Cite has empty unknown parameter: |1= (help)
  37. ^ Scott, Trudy (2011). "Caffeine and Anxiety". The Antianxiety Food Solution: How the Foods You Eat Can Help You Calm Your Anxious Mind, Improve Your Mood, and End Cravings. New Harbinger Publications. p. 59–60. ISBN 978-1-57224-926-4. Retrieved October 7, 2012.
  38. ^ Winston, Anthony P.; Hardwick, Elizabeth; Jaberi, Neema (2005). "Neuropsychiatric effects of caffeine". Advances in Psychiatric Treatment. 11 (6): 432–9. doi:10.1192/apt.11.6.432.
  39. ^ Smith, A. (2002). "Effects of caffeine on human behavior". Food and Chemical Toxicology. 40 (9): 1243–55. doi:10.1016/S0278-6915(02)00096-0. PMID 12204388.
  40. ^ a b Vilarim, Marina Machado; Rocha Araujo, Daniele Marano; Nardi, Antonio Egidio (2011). "Caffeine challenge test and panic disorder: A systematic literature review". Expert Review of Neurotherapeutics. 11 (8): 1185–95. doi:10.1586/ern.11.83. PMID 21797659. S2CID 5364016.
  41. ^ Lee, Myung Ae; Cameron, Oliver G.; Greden, John F. (1985). "Anxiety and caffeine consumption in people with anxiety disorders". Psychiatry Research. 15 (3): 211–7. doi:10.1016/0165-1781(85)90078-2. hdl:2027.42/25630. PMID 3862156. S2CID 24935569.
  42. ^ Lee, MA; Flegel, P; Greden, JF; Cameron, OG (1988). "Anxiogenic effects of caffeine on panic and depressed patients". The American Journal of Psychiatry. 145 (5): 632–5. doi:10.1176/ajp.145.5.632. PMID 3358468.
  43. ^ Bruce, Malcolm; Scott, N; Shine, P; Lader, M (1992). "Anxiogenic Effects of Caffeine in Patients with Anxiety Disorders". Archives of General Psychiatry. 49 (11): 867–9. doi:10.1001/archpsyc.1992.01820110031004. PMID 1444724.
  44. ^ Nardi, Antonio E.; Lopes, Fabiana L.; Valença, Alexandre M.; Freire, Rafael C.; Veras, André B.; De-Melo-Neto, Valfrido L.; Nascimento, Isabella; King, Anna Lucia; Mezzasalma, Marco A. (2007). "Caffeine challenge test in panic disorder and depression with panic attacks". Comprehensive Psychiatry. 48 (3): 257–63. doi:10.1016/j.comppsych.2006.12.001. PMID 17445520.
  45. ^ Rogers, Peter J; Hohoff, Christa; Heatherley, Susan V; Mullings, Emma L; Maxfield, Peter J; Evershed, Richard P; Deckert, Jürgen; Nutt, David J (2010). "Association of the Anxiogenic and Alerting Effects of Caffeine with ADORA2A and ADORA1 Polymorphisms and Habitual Level of Caffeine Consumption". Neuropsychopharmacology. 35 (9): 1973–83. doi:10.1038/npp.2010.71. PMC 3055635. PMID 20520601.
  46. ^ E. M. Forster. Selected Letters. Letter 231, to W. J. H. Sprott, 28 June 1923.{{cite book}}: CS1 maint: location (link)
[edit]
Wikiquote has quotations related to VisitingPhilosopher/prs.

See Outline of relationships.







Dissolution of marriages

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Climbing together.


Category:Interpersonal relationships Category:Psychotherapy

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