Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Vanishing (song)/archive1

Vanishing (song)

Featured article candidates/Vanishing (song)/archive1

Nominator(s): Heartfox (talk) 18:52, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

"Vanishing" is the first song that Mariah Carey ever produced. I started this article about a month ago and I really like how it turned out. Thanks in advance for your comments, Heartfox (talk) 18:52, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Placeholder

Comments soon. Ippantekina (talk) 02:59, 5 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Comma after "debut studio album"
Added
This is kinda convoluted: "Vanishing is a torch song ... She wrote the ballad ...". I would suggest something like, introducing it as a song by Carey, and the second sentence elaborates on its nature ("It is a torch song with a balladic production")
Reworded/moved "torch song" to second sentence and "ballad" to last sentence
"Situated in the gospel and traditional pop music genres" I'm all for phrasing variations but this reads kinda flowery for an encyclopedic entry. Maybe something more straightforward like "Categorized in the gospel and traditional pop genres"?
Changed to "categorized"
I notice inconsistent usages of false titles throughout: "American singer Mariah Carey", "the drummer Ben Margulies", "the American television program Saturday Night Live". Please be consistent throughout.
I think they're all there now
"Rather than release it as a single" releasing?
Changed to "releasing"
"A blues-inspired[17] gospel[18] and traditional pop record" I think "record" is often used for albums and not tracks. Maybe "song" or "number"?
Changed to "number"
I'm not sure if citing album liner notes for lyrics is the best practice, unless that lyric has been specified in album reviews or analyses.
Ugh I knowwww but "You're vanishing / Drifting away" is basically the entire chorus and the gist of the song. I think four words is okay to quote without specific secondary coverage.
I'm not sure if the hyperlink to oscillate makes sense because the link leads to an article about physics.
Removed link
"Its straightforward composition" not sure what straightforward means in this context.
Changed to "Its composition is straightforward". This is meant to introduce the statement following the semi-colon: "an acoustic piano played by Richard Tee is the sole instrumentation" (ie straightforward/little going on)

Not sure if that's the correct lingo because I've seen something like "minimalist", "spare" but not "straightforward"... Ippantekina (talk) 03:52, 12 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

"Patrick Dillett performed engineering and mixing" I know the issue with sea of blue but can one perform engineering and mixing?
Added "the": "performed the engineering and mixing"

I mean like "to perform engineering/mixing" reads award? Maybe some safe options like "The track was engineered and mixed by..." Ippantekina (talk) 03:52, 12 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

"Unlike "Vision of Love", Richard T. Ryan of the Staten Island Advance said" wrong subject here
Changed to "Richard T. Ryan of the Staten Island Advance said "Vanishing" demonstrated Carey could limit the use of her vocal range, unlike "Vision of Love"."
"in which she exercised commendable discipline with her voice" err.. I get what this means but this reads lengthy. Can we make it more concise?
Changed to "in which Carey used her voice judiciously"
"Critics have viewed "Vanishing" as a standout track in Carey's discography ~~throughout her career~~"
Removed "throughout her career"
"Courier-Post contributor Jeff Hall considered the song her best work in 1993" does this mean that the song was considered Carey's best among her 1993 songs?
Changed to "in a 1993 article"
Which makes me notice.. is there not a release date in the Infobox?
I think there is a difference among editors of whether album tracks should get infobox release dates. I don't personally care either way, it just seems to be a thing so I wasn't sure and have not added it.

I think it is necessary to include album release dates as well to indicate that the song has been released commercially. A short sentence in the prose would do (like, the album was released on XXX, "Vanishing" is track number X). If there are no release dates that it would be an unreleased song imo lol. Ippantekina (talk) 03:52, 12 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

The third paragraph of the "Critical reception" is full of "A said, B said, C said..." I suggest some more cohesion here
Cut down on the paragraph length by converting three sentences to sfns of the opening sentence. Made several wording changes.
"Entertainment Weekly writer Sydney Bucksbaum and Billboard's Gil Kaufman considered the performance impressive" this adds little value to prose imo.
Cut

My review is exclusively on prose and that should be it :) Ippantekina (talk) 04:56, 10 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

@Ippantekina: Thank you for the very helpful comments, responded to all above. Heartfox (talk) 22:31, 11 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for addressing my comments! I've responded to a few remaining points above :) Ippantekina (talk) 03:52, 12 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Medxvo

I would be consistent with the WP:FALSETITLES. "recorded and produced by the American singer Mariah Carey" seems to be the only one with no false title
Removed "the"
"I enjoyed doing that because it gave me more freedom to sing" - enjoyed doing what?
I thought it would be known that this is referring to "Vanishing" as this is preceded by the phrase "Carey described "Vanishing" as her favorite track on the album:"
It was quite confusing to me so I checked the source and it seems like she's referring to the acoustic elements not the song as a whole, but even Carey's sentence structure is confusing to me so I guess that's fine. I suggest double-checking, though
I think maxi single can be linked
Linked
"according to Stephen Holden" - a comma before according to?
Added comma
"in the book Soul Music A–Z" - "in the book Soul Music A–Z (1991)"?
Added 1991

I believe that's all I've got. Best of luck with the FAC! Medxvo (talk) 23:02, 5 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

@Medxvo: Thanks for your comments, I have responded above. Heartfox (talk) 23:38, 5 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Support. Medxvo (talk) 07:56, 6 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]