User talk:Kparsa/sandbox

Kparsa Article Review by KnightOrnstein

I took the liberty of taking some sentences and tweaking them so that they flow better. However, there are many sentences that are large and might need to be separated into two or three different sentences.

"With red, yellow, white and black color plate this work of art originate fourth centuries painting style." Edited: "With red, yellow, and black colored plates, this work of art originates from fourth century painting styles."

"After being damaged by A.D 62 earthquake this mosaic was mended during 79 A.D to be preserved." Edited: "After being damaged by the 62 A.D. earthquake, the mosaic was mended and preserved in 79 A.D."

"This work of art was anticipated to be a chase to kill Darius king of Persia for victory of a heroically battle and power." I attempted to edit this sentence, but I am actually unsure what it's trying to say. I don't want to cause misinformation or something similar, so I thought I'd point out that this was confusing.

"One Persian falls victim to his spear as his horse founders beneath hint, covered in blood." This sentence suffers from the same symptoms as above.

There are a few other sentences that cause confusion and are unclear, but I feel that the examples above are the most noticeable.

I will say that this article is on the right track. I'm not sure about using the words "we" and "us," but I think they should be avoided since they don't give a sense of neutrality. There are many grammatical and structural problems, but the information presented is good. In all honesty, this would be quit the adequate article if all the spelling, punctuation, and grammatical errors were addressed. Finally, the last thing is the need for sources and links. I don't doubt that the information is correct since I have recently learned about it, but sources and links would make it more credible. All in all, a solid informational draft set back by spelling and grammatical errors. Keep plugging away and it will turn out great.