User talk:JordanJosephM/sandbox
Hey Joe, Your article on the California Hide Trade looks really good right now and with a few changes I think it could be really complete and great. I've included below my comments and broke it up based on each subsection. Hope it helps. Intro: Good intro that shows what is going to be spoken about. You might want to mention that at this time California was under Mexican control as that could be easily forgotten by the common reader. Process: It is very detailed and I think that's really good. You may want to just change around the order a little bit. Explain what tallow is closer tot he beginning. Even just something simple like "Tallow, the liquified fat from cows, was used for making candles and soap" toward the beginning so that the reader has an idea. Also, even though it is pretty obvious, you could mention at the same time that cattle hides were used for creating leather products just so that it is clear right from the outset. Hubs: pretty basic section that gives a really good picture of how global this trade had become. This could be a good section to include a map or visual device to really drive that point home. Political Ramifications: Again, a good section that makes a lot of important points. You may just want to look at the order of which you presented the material. At some points it is a little confusing as to what is going on. But with some minor changes that would be cleared up. Also, the last sentence which explains th decline of the trade and the industry as a whole could be added to to make a definitive conclusion to your article and the Cali. Hide Trade in general. Also, you may want to explicitly include the details of California beign acquired by the USA with the Treaty of Guadalupe-Hidalgo and how that impacted the trade.
Overall, this is really good and I think you did a really good job presenting the information and citing your sources. I'm sure you were planning on it, but maps or images will always help make it a little more interesting, I'm sure you are planning on doing that. -Conor
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