Talk:Whitey on the Moon/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: GhostRiver (talk · contribs) 02:31, 1 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Hello! I'll be taking a look at this article for the January 2022 GAN backlog drive. If you haven't already signed up, please feel free to join in! Although QPQ is not required, if you're feeling generous, I also have a list of GA nominations of my own right here.

Good Article review progress box

Criteria: 1a. prose () 1b. MoS () 2a. ref layout () 2b. cites WP:RS () 2c. no WP:OR () 2d. no WP:CV ()

3a. broadness () 3b. focus () 4. neutral () 5. stable () 6a. free or tagged images () 6b. pics relevant ()

Note: this represents where the article stands relative to the Good Article criteria. Criteria marked are unassessed

Lede

I don't love that it says "during" the Apollo Moon landings, since it could be implied that the astronauts on the Apollo ships experienced medical debt, high taxes, and poverty
Reworded; now reads "at the time of the Apollo Moon landings".

Background, recording, and content

Could use a couple more lines of context about Gil Scott-Heron, especially since this is his debut album
Added some; these sources (besides the biography) do not discuss his career very much, and I want to avoid coatracking. Let me know if you'd like more.
Link "space program" to National Aeronautics and Space Administration
Added link to Space policy of the United States, per WP:EGG; I agree a link to NASA would be nice to have, I'll see if I can work one in elsewhere.
No comma after "speaks the poem"
Removed.
"Bongo" in "bongo drum" is not necessarily capitalized, per the article on it
decapitalized
"Though the album has been frequently described as being recorded live in a nightclub in New York City," → "Although the album is commonly believed to have been recorded live in a New York City nightclub,"
It's a minor point, but the source doesn't quite support "commonly believed"; it just says contemporary reviews described it as being a live recording. I don't think we ought to include a more general statement. I've changed "though" to "Although"; if you want further changes, please let me know.

Analysis, reception, and reuse

Would recommend splitting this into two sections: the first three paragraphs can be "Analysis and reception", the last two can be "Legacy"
I like that, done.
Reword and dequote "immensely popular" per MOS:QUOTEPOV
There's no good synonyms for "popular" as commonly understood for works of art: I've gone with "exceptionally popular", which hopefully is enough to avoid paraphrasing issues.
Link and capitalize Space Race
Done.
No comma after "The poem critiques the US space program"
Removed.
"has been praised" by whom? Fellow poets, critics, politicians?
None of the above, really; by the authors of sources about the poem, who are scholars or commentators in the media, but not necessarily dedicated critics. I've added "commentators", and cited one additional source making the same point.
""abstract, universal realm in which we like to place our technical achievements."" → ""abstract, universal realm in which we like to place our technical achievements"." per MOS:LQ
Ugh, I always struggle with MOS:LQ. Fixed.
"prominently features "Whitey on the Moon."" → "prominently features "Whitey on the Moon"." per MOS:LQ
As above.
"a "pretty sugarcoated story."" → "a "pretty sugarcoated story"." per MOS:LQ
Done.
Need a little more description of the relevance of the pandemic; while I know about the racial discrepancies in the handling of the pandemic, it's not immediately obvious
This isn't trivial to do, because sources discussing Whitey on the Moon do not habitually discuss the pandemic in detail, and vice versa. I will take a stab at it, though.

References

Need an access date for [18] (Carson), [19] (Jones), and [22] (Koren)
Added.

General comments

Image used is properly licensed and relevant
No stability concerns in the revision history
Earwig score looks good, all backwards vio

Putting on hold to allow nominator to address comments. Please ping me with any questions, and let me know when you're finished! — Ghost River 19:05, 3 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

@GhostRiver:, I believe I've addressed everything; happy to take further suggestions. Thanks for a helpful review. Vanamonde (Talk) 02:11, 5 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you very much for making those changes, particularly the more vague ones. Everything looks good now, and I am very happy to pass this article. — Ghost River 16:26, 6 January 2022 (UTC)[reply]